Good weekend ahead..

Well, it's payday!! Woohoo!!

Twas a tough month, but worth it! I've gained all that self-confidence lost after the accident. Things are into better fit into perspective, and I'm more in control of emotions.



In the struggle of being perfect, I guess, there is a beauty to imperfection ...it is what makes us human. You know, it is so easy to have all this theory by the back of ur hand, but to believe it and practice it is a whole different matter.

Somebody told me this urban legend of a magazine that tried to digitally create this perfect face by fixing the 'best' features together, but it turned really hideous. I do not know how far true this story is, but I might believe that if that was truly attempted, the result would not be the face of an angel. The last month, I think I have come to terms with my weaknesses, many they are, and accepted them. When I spoke to an old acquaintance, he believed that trying to be perfect puts yourself in a corner. He shared how trying to impress his superiors send him into panic attacks. Well, it does sound extreme, but the truth is, it happens. I remember when I was back to work after the accident, I wanted to prove that I could learn what I had to in record time of a week (what others took a month), but it only sent me into deeper depressing-ish thoughts and emotions. The results undid everything else.

My father used to think that mind could overcome everything, a true believer of mind over matter. The example that my father was has given me the courage to dare dream of the impossible. Although, I would not say everything I dared try was healthy, but he has given me the belief through his own life as an example that the mind can overcome anything. When I jog, and it hurts so bad, I really talk to myself in the head, telling me why I want to do this so badly, be it for better stamina, for that date, or to release that built up anger inside. Today, I knew I was gonna suck real bad at work, being thrown into the phlebotomy bench. I had no choice but to just do it. And I have been told I think too much and over analyse everything, so today, I just got out of bed, dressed up, had my breakfast and walked into the specimen collection room. And I survived, barely scratched.

It borders indifference...there's a thin line being just doin it and having indifference...though it was hard when the baby I pricked would not stop bleeding...but yea, I had no choice. I just told myself, that me screwing up would not have been my fault, because:
a) i've been only trained for 2 weeks officially
b) all that bullshit my colleagues have been saying about having the initiative to learn on your own borders impossibility as when you're at a bench, they expect you to HELP all you can, to your dying breath (especially true with female superiors...I think that many women are poor leaders because they cannot dissociate emotions from mental decisions. I'm sorry to be so harsh on women in general, but I must say that in many cases it is true. However,m the better female leaders, make fantastic ones..). So that just means do not leave us when we need you.

People are selfish. when your leaders are not well trained to create a spirit of teamwork within a working premise, people think me, myself and I. I hate selfish people. My brother, once did a little internet googling on the church of Satan. He shared most of it sounded like a whole load of crap, except this on website. It's teaching was simple. It just said, you noe, we aren't extreme. We just think that you ought to think about yourself first. In all that you do, think of your needs and wants first. Oh it's not all that bad, we just think that you should all you can to get whatever it is that YOU want. Simple. Think about it, my Christian friends...Reflect on Christ's teachings and compare it to just looking out for yourself, your family and your loved ones....Putting your happiness first...the scry part is that, yea...it does not sound too wrong, now does it...That I believe, is truly the work of the fallen one.

Then I remembered the recent exco planning camp held by the CSS students of UKM. I was asked to give a talk on self-esteem, and how surprised I was to find out that a priest once blatantly said that self esteem is very un Christian. I found it hard t swallow, but after reading his argument, I must say, looking a it from that point of view, it made sense. Look at it, Jesus teaches humility, self esteem says you're the best! Jesus teaches following God's will, self esteem says you create your own future. Jesus says in God's time, self esteem says the world is yours! That is why, when you work for secular organisations, when it is about your personal developement....ONLY personaal developement...without developing others in return, you get burnt out. That is why Christian leadership is so beautiful. I can give everything up to work for good Church course, but I cant give it all up for something I want in a career, or in society. Which explains why I have so much potential in developing myself, but I do not, in the corporate sense.

All I really wanna do is formate the youth. I really wanna help teenagers grow..first spiritually and everything else will fal into place. unfortunately, someone, it is not yet time. And it is so contradicting, that some of the people I am interested in do not share the same views... We wish to find that half to complete us...as some would say, the two being separated at the creation of the world, hence we spend or whose lives looking for our other half, with outrnavels as a reminder of that separation (I think Greek mythology). But in all truth, finding that other person who'd share the sae humour, hence the same outlook on life, is very difficult Most of us make do with what we find, and cling on to it as if it were our very lives. Some let it go, and spend the rest of their loves regretting the decision. But it is such a waste of energy. Yes, a partner, a spouse would be a lovely thing, but single adulthood is also a vocation. Sometimes, our lives are ,meant to be devoted to something greater. Hard to swallow, but it is true. In the meantime, make yourself happy, but the indifference in me would be quick to say, if you THINK finding a random girl/guy to cling on to makes u happy, den so be it. just dun regret your choice.

Choices are made all the time. People fail to be accountable to the choices made. I gave up a Shell scholarship. I gave up a Star scholarship. Do I look less happy? I am very happy. Why? because I told myself, that when I gave this or that up, I really gave it up. I made myself promise that I would be responsible for my actions and would do my best to obtain what I wanted....to work with the health industry and study microbes. I decided to never look back when I gave up work offers from Taylors, Clinipath and Pantai...reason because I knew they were good offers, and losing some is part and parcel of taking risks. but the up point that I have as Christian is my faith that God will walk me through.

The richness of the Catholic faith is amazing. Reading through the documents from the second vatican council is truly an eye-opener. It shames me to know that in many ways, we are not giving God that reverence as we ought to.Look at how the hebrews bowed and worshiped Yahweh. Just because Jesus is our mediator, it doesnt mean He is less God for He is fully God and fully Man (not some herculean hybrid). And we still ought to bow down in that much of reverence to Him. Yet in Church we still see mini skirts and spaghetti strap blouses. I never knew I'd see the day I'd think this way, but I have come to understand, but the experience in Rome changed me for good.

I could go on writing my random long trail of thoughts, but I do have to meet Kamini in Bangsar, and I do need a shower. So till then, have a good weekend.