Happiness? Happiness!

The past few months have been much distressing to my poor nerves, pun intended..:P And yes,, you have to be an ardent lover of Pride & Prejudice to get that bit.

Well, did not help that I was making it hard for myself, allowing myself to start a relationship with a Muslim guy (nothing against my Muslim brothers & sisters, just that I need to be with a Catholic man, because my faith is an integral part of my life), getting angry with injustices at work, getting angry with men who have hurt so many women I know and love..I let it all get to me..


Until last week.

I just could not hold it in anymore..I broke down in tears (again, I know)..but I was fed up. I was fed up of hope. I gave up on love. It was empty inside..my birthday? Disaster...I woke up, 25, feeling HORRIBLE.

Then began a trail of thoughts.

You know, I have an awesome family. We might not have much money, but that has never been a measure of happiness in our lives. We have struggled with money throughout our lives, yet we have been all over the world already! We grew up with awesome parents, gaining the best of the chinese and indian worlds..in a country with awesome food! My family might be small, but we have so much of love and respect for one another..many dun have good upbringing, family to be proud of, some were never loved.

I have a million frens (Ok, I might have stretched dat bit, but it does feel dat way..) and most of them truly care for me..I have fantastic girlfriends...the best..I have so many good guy friends I can trust, and are like brothers to me..and the network of friends is continuously expanding! Good people, really good people..So many are cheated, abused, and alone. And sometimes when I feel alone, in the sense I get upset about not having a partner, how many can truly say they have loved before. I have. things between me and my ex, only the two of us would understand. But I can tell you this, and he would agree any day, that we truly loved each other. It did hurt the both of us, the breakup, but I must say, the time we were together were really good memories. For we were best friends, and nothing beats loving your best friend. For a long time I have been focusing on how much I've lost, but I have never thought about the people who have never loved or been loved! At least I know I am lovable. I know there is something in me that someone loved and still loves, for till today, we care deeply for each other. And every pain I go through, I know he feels it. And I believe him. And if I focus on what I have experienced in my life, I am thankful enough.

I guess, I am luckier then most because there have been planted much love, and even if life turns out exactly how I did not want it to be, my faith promises me that I will be cared for.

Today I am happy. I might breakdown tomorrow, but I know that somehow, someone will reach out to me. My best friend, my sister, my ex, some close friends of mine..I know I am not too alone.


Latest update: After some thought (one year of it), I have finally decided on which choir to join...have joined the Vespers group in SFX..and I am at peace with where I am right now. It feels right. People around me has affirmed my decision and so I am taking the baby steps towards, perhaps, where I am called to at church. Might have just found a new belonging....maybe...I will always have my doubts..blame it on my surname..(lol..poor St Thomas..:P)..but I am open to changes..

We shall seeeeeeeeee