emotions and a girl

If you are a woman, you will understand how difficult it is to handle our bloody emotions! Its like we're born with a leaking faucet of emotions. How on earth we don't exhaust it, I don't know!!

And it's even more irritating when your rational mind knows you are thinking irrationally, and yet the bloody emotions just continues to effect how you feel. And as much as you know the phase would pass, at the particular phase, all you wanna do is mope and rant and vent and bitch..

Sigh....


Man, I feel like a woman!! :)

Yet, being a woman is also liberating. A woman is so free..and so loved. :)

I'm loving it!!

Of travelling, singing and planning!!

My weekend was CRAAAAAAAAAAZYYYYYYYYYY...

The looniness started Friday when Ian decided that I was leading Vespers on Sunday! And that meant chanting quite a bit solo..And the thing about chanting is that, the voice and tones have to be clear, and there's a fine line between solemn and sombre! :p Anyways, needless to say, i was FREAKING OUT!

I went home Friday night dead tired, went to work on Saturday, met up with my second brother for lunch, sped home to Melaka, and spent the evening watching Playhouse Disney with my nephew. Had a birthday dinner for my oldest brother,, watched this fantastic British show called 'The stars are in their eyes,' then practically died from exhaustion.

Sunday morning, had a typical unhealthy Malaysian breakfast of Roti canai with the family, packed and headed right back to KL. Immediately picked Feli up for a formation session with the PAG team, after which I rushed over to SFX for Vespers practice right before Vespers!

Yes, I was a bundle of nerves!!

I got everything right, but for some reason could not get the final blessing right.

And so...I created a new tune dat evening!

Thank God, Ian n Ben has created such a positive spirit amongst us, that after my 'fiasco' Ben texted and affirmed me for a job well done although I did create a new tune! Hehehehe


Oh well...the weekend slipped by me again, and I really dread work. It is so difficult to take my job seriously. Worse I find my work making me nastier than nicer. It is just so difficult to refrain from being like the rest of them. It is so difficult to stand out in character and performance. the management does not make it any easier. I find myself smiling less and less at work. And when people ask if I am happy, I do not know what to say. I might be a little happy, but I do not see a future for me.

I wonder if lecturing might suit me better? It might, it might not.

What I know now is that I am luckier than most to be working in such an esteemed company in Malaysia, and I ought to count my blessing more than anything else.

:)

One day at a time

It has been very trying at work. Sometimes you really wonder at people, wonder how nasty people can turn on each other. I always think of the statement that humans are the only animals that turn on each other, but I think recently there has been documentaries on apes murdering as well...Vaguely remember it.

Still, animals of less intelligence seem more human sometimes. I love dogs, and they always melt my heart. Dogs are so simple, honest and sincere. Even my crazy Einstein Copernicus Thomas (yes, my pets have full names) tried warding off the cobra for me. But that shall be another story for another day. Doggie Douglas Thomas used to bark weirdly when we sent him over to the neighbours for puppy-sitting when we went back to JB for Chinese New Year. He'd bark as if he was trying to speak like a human and he'd look you in the eye at that! He was dignified and gentlemanly. Once a car ran over his paw, and there was no one home but my then future-bro-in-law, who came to Malaysia for a two week stay to get to know the family. Danko tried to just carry Doggie and put him in the car as Doggie couldn't manage it on his own, but Doggie barked and threatened to bite cause he did not like anyone carrying him. Danko looked Doggie in the eye, and told him, 'Look here, you're injured and I need to get you in the car to get it checked.' And when he tried carried Doggie again, Doggie allowed it.
It almost seemed like he had pride or being independent and in control. Yet he reasoned and allowed it.

Okie, you might think I'm bonkers to even think my dogs had such intelligence and character, but any dog-lover would agree to it. Sometimes I think I love dogs more than humans!


And this makes it tough to be a good Catholic. We are called to love our enemies because all humans are made in God's image. And we are called to love because He first loved. Once, I read twice in different books on the same day that it takes no character to love lovable people, but it takes a lot to love the unlovable, and that is what we are to do. It might seem counter-productive to the logical man and I guess it would be if we did not attain the endless supply of Love from God. On our own effort alone, it would be unproductive and counter-productive, but nourished and sustained, it would be a great witness to Christ. And I guess, that is why I am looking forward to Accession this year. For once, it means something to me. For once I am eager for Pentecost!




But a humbling thought prevails..that we are mere humans...and as humans we fail..and I can only pray that this time round the conversion is for real and for good.


I miss my puppies at home...:( I'll be home this Saturday Einstein II and Rusty.

p/s: Havent given them their full name...Hmmmm

Patience

I lack it.

I have no idea how to be patient...in anything! Be it waiting for my food to arrive, or speaking a little louder and slower so my mom understands me over the phone, I just can't seem to be patient.

I can't seem to be patient with people who have the diarrhea of the mouth, where sometimes it is nice to have straightforward friends, but sometimes it is annoying when they like making snide remarks. It is fine once or twice, but once too often gets on my nerves. And then they are in turn clueless to what they have done, and their innocence is so great, that albeit being in a bad mood, you do not have the heart to tell them, 'I am annoyed with you!' SIGH.


It is tiring pleasing everyone. Sometimes it is tiring being nice. People walk all over you, sometimes knowingly, sometimes unknowingly.

And I do not have the heart to burst at them, but I do not have the patience either! Half the time, I'm swallowing nasty remarks, so I would not offend anyone.


Why do some people just lack the people skill? I really do not get it..It frustrates me greatly. And my current lab is filled with them. Not only are they 0 EQ-ed, but in possession of really poor manners! Sigh.


What shall I do?

Off the hook!!!!!!!!!

YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


I started the weekend mentally preparing myself for my night call which was supposed to be tonight with that nasty man..and then Sunday morning, Jeya gives me the best news of my LIFE (ok ok...YES...I am exaggerating...pffff). She canceled her annual leave and took my call!

*choirs of angels*

ALLELUIA!!

Goodness! I was soooooooo relieved that I spent the whole day telling EVERYONE I met that I was happy...

Driving down to Port Dickson with Jon n Feli

Hey Jon!!

Yea?

I'm HAPPY!! *grins like an idiot*

And what does that have to do with me?

Yuh, I KNOW!! What a party-pooper! Feli was appalled with Jon's response, but I was too happy, I could not care less...:D


The funny thing is that, the very fact Jon responded that way showed that we were really close friends of his. And hence, I was not bothered at all and went on blabbering about how happy I was as he was busy with his handphone! Lol. oh yea, I was driving..


Unfortunately, women are noted to be horrible drivers..and although I have always been known to be a good driver, I tend to get a little over-confident on the road...and I think all my friends vouch for that. The funny thing is they all say I am a darn good driver (I can only drive manual cars....am pretty clueless with auto...:S Weird huh?) and after they spent a whole journey screaming in my car! Lol



And yea, my car is named Muff the 2nd. (Stop that! I will explain..and no, I am no perve to name my car so crudely)


You see, my first car in uni, was this really cute Kancil, and she was registered as MAF 5096. My friends had cars and they were all named, and so I was told to name mine as well. My brother (although he is 42, he is really innocent in so many ways...tech whizz who keeps calling Seal 'Scarface' cuz he is perpetually confused with Babyface the singer and the Lion King's character..haha) said hey you what'd be cool? calling your car MAF but make it cooler by spelling it as MUFF.


Being as innocent or worse, I told Bryan , Chia Wei and Rubern about it, and we all agreed it was a good name!


Rubern then fatetully watched an episode of That 70's Show, and 'our eyes were opened'!!

We were rolling in laughter!I attempted changing her name, but Muff stuck.


And since this is my second car, she is named after the first Muff.


:)




random I know.

151

That's the number of posts I have! Pretty interesting for a person who never understood why people blogged...To be frank, I still am not too sure why..


Instead of going around thinking why people blog, let's see why I blog?

A) Fame

Ain't working too well...besides, I have much better ways of acclaiming fame...and besides, I would want to be famous, not infamous...but then again, anything to be known is it not? But, the bottom line is, I do not want fame, but I do want to know people. Having people know you could be quite a headache, right? Everywhere you go, you think you're safe, but they recognize you....Doesn't help that you look like a 'free-hair Malay' and you are 1.75cm tall! :S

B) Spread awareness

...of my life?? Nahhhhhh

C) Creativity

*crickets*



I think venting, and hoping someone reads it and see what's happening in my life seems to fit.


Aren't we just lonely people then? Needing someone to pay us some attention? People are such social creatures....then again, some aren't..and are pretty good at repelling people too...


My colleague for example, with whom I have had the honour of doing a night call with.

He is a married man of 40 plus, and he has been notorious for giving scandalous suggestions to female colleagues..

Now, am lucky because...I am the person he hates the most for buying him a mere bottle of wine for Christmas..

Hmmmmmmm....



*praying hard that someone takes my Monday night call from me*









*and still praying*

Sunday morning! :D

Yesterday it was the first Persons Are Gifts team meeting for this new batch.

We started off with Praise & Worship, and then it was Ice-breakers & Group-dynamics!! First off, Poison Ball..

Each person is given a ball (fist sized..made of squashed newspaper..), and the aim is to hit as many people (waist downwards). When you get hit, you would have to sit, until the person who hits you gets hit, and then you're unfrozen and back in the game! It was hilarious! We then had the older ones (facilitators & trainers) against the outreach team. WE WON!! Boo yah! :P

Next was Toxic River (funny how most of the games we played had something to do with poison huh?)

A 'river' was created (two lines) with a breadth of 5 feet. The aim is to get everyone across. The catch is, the only way to cross this toxic river is to use the magical cap..(It was supposed to be this pair of boots, but we couldn't find one, so we went on with an AXN CSI cap. Lol) The twist is, you may walk in the river with the cap ONLY ONCE. And you cannot pass the cap over to you other teammates by throwing it over the river (all part of the magic. :P) It was hilarious. This small fellow was utterly terrified when he realized he had to carry someone over! The look of terror on his face....priceless...Lol.

The last was a rather nameless activity (must Feli what the name was) whereby the group make a circle, with their backs facing the inner circle. And it is filled with balloons. The aim is to walk from one point to another without letting any of the balloons fall bellow the level of their backs.. Poor kids were direction less.. One shouted go left, and the kids directly behind them went right (their left). Cute..

The most important fact was that the team really got to break the ice, and learn some real values in teamwork. In the discussion of the toxic river, some refused to participate in the discussion, but when they realized they might just be left behind and not solve the problem, they started getting right into it. There was a natural leader, and of course they were people who could not trust the partner to carry them across. Some gave up really fast, some persisted (even till aafter the game ended). It was very educational even to me.

I felt so much joy seeing this kids being empowered. I felt even more joy when the PAG team created such a safe, positive zone for them. Still, negativity seeped in on in a while, but it was quickly nipped in the butt by the other peers.


I was just thinking of all the people who played such an important role in my growth.

Starting with my father, who prayed so much for me as a child, even before I was born. He was my first catechism teacher, showering me with endless picture bibles and teaching me so much of the lives of the saints and most importantly of God's love. He made it clear, like doubtless, that God was a god of Mercy and Love. That has never been a question to me. And I thank God for such childlike trust in His Love & Mercy.

Then it was my brother and my sister, whose lives have been such a testimony to God's care. They lead such good Christian lives, and though they are challenged even today, their faith has been such an inspiration. God protects and rewards a hundredfold. When my father passed away, we did not have the money to pay for my siblings college fees...did not help that my brother studied in the US and my sister in Australia, and all we had was my father's EPF of RM10 000 only. So many people came forth and gave us the money just like that. Some were strangers, others knew my father who did a lot of charity when he was alive. Not asking for repayment. And when my brother got his job, he got bonuses just in time for all my sister's tuition fees. It was a testament that when you live your life serving God, he sees you through. My brother and sister spent their whole teenage life in youth ministry, in the service of so many troubled teenagers. They made some very unpopular and tough decisions, but they pulled through.

And the whole journey....meeting people who were instrumental in calling me back to youth ministry. Like Jon, who was moved to start serving again despite the pain. He actively found a venue for me & Feli to serve in. God given people sent like Crisabel who was given my number and directed me to Ben, who inspired me to pray the Divine Office. And these people were all inspired by someone else. And I have been so blessed to have not been forgotten in the whole great big network of God.


Yet, I have to remember, to whom much is given, much is required.


I cannot say I have found it. I am still searching.

In the meantime, I have to somehow walk the talk. Ridding myself of distractions. Even some which is painful to part with. Growing is never easy...growing pains..

I guess some beautiful mornings, like today's, is reward enough.


Have a great Sunday..:)